just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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