Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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