its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
