she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
