Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
