Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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