After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Randomize
