No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
