you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
