the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
