Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
