at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
