Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
