i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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