Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
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