How'd it feel making her break her religion?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
