All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Randomize
