I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
