i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
