Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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