"it" just moved
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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