I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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