I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
