my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
