The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
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I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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