Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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