uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
