I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
