I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
