The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
