Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
