it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
