I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
