Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
