I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize