I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
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I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
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The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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