This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
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It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
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on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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