I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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