it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
What drink are we having for lunch?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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