Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
