Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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