My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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