I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
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There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
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I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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