i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I FOUND THE LEGS
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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