i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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