this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
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Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
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Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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