Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
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Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
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I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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