did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
You ruined the universe
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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