If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
