Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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