woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
