Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
50% drunk capacity currently
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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