dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
