Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
