proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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