it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
