she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
