Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
