I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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