STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
